You lie in wait

from a vantage point out of sight.

Cold fingers grip the rifle

in a bruising caress.

The gun is loaded

with bullets laced in vitriol.

Eyes gleaming,

searching for me.

You know the mark.

You mapped me well

my flaws and quirks,

The things that fed my doubt.

You pull the trigger with quiet pleasure.

silence whistles in the wind,

a piercing battle cry……

on its way to me.

Journal with me:

1. Which words or actions from others have made you feel fear, doubt, or anxiety?

2. How do these moments affect your thoughts, emotions, or body?

3. When someone says hurtful things, could those words reflect their fears, insecurities, or struggles rather than your reality?

4. What truths do you know about yourself that contradict their words?

5. How can you remind yourself that you control your own story, and that other people’s words do not define you?

6. Despite being triggered or hurt, what strengths or coping skills have helped you navigate these moments?

7. How can you use this awareness to protect your energy and maintain your self respect?

   ---

   These prompts are part of a journal I’m building. It’s for the woman who stayed too long, gave too much, and is only now learning to study herself as a love note. If these words found you at the right time, subscribe to follow the process and get early access when it launches.

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poems and essays that name what you feel.

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For the longest time, I identified as an eager puppy. I yipped and wagged my tail with every single word of acknowledgment they threw my way. Whether the words were well intentioned or not, I let them groom me.

My decisions were birthed from the opinions of others.

This was an almost perfect arrangement when I was younger. When all I had to do was listen and learn from the ones who were meant to love me. Family.

Their words were meant to build me up, help me see possibilities, and awaken my mind to the mistakes I was making along the way. So I soaked it in.

And as I kept chasing my tail around the neighborhood, I ran into puppies who were taking in words that had been spoken into their lives. They took in the honey and sometimes sucked in the poison.

Words that cut us so deeply, we end up using the wound as a lens to make choices that debilitate us.

How could we doubt them if they came from the people we had handpicked to carry our trust?

Our friends, family, and partners.

The cocktail of phrases, statements, and declarations I sipped on left a series of emotions that shaped who I was becoming. Some were positive affirmations from loved ones that gave me the courage to debate with classmates.

Other times, it was the negative talk that came from places of love, pain, anger, or even projection.

Words that planted seeds of insecurity inside you and grew a shredded self esteem.

By the time I started dating, my self worth was lacking. I was a chronic people pleaser who was terrified of confrontation. To me, it signaled that you were questioning your approval of me. I needed for that not to be true.

The puppy needed her fix.

The cost of my affection was a drop of his attention, my need to fit in with my “friends,” and a belligerent disregard for the red flags that were swaying furiously before my eyes.

I pranced into that relationship with the odds stacked against me. Years of conditioning had already set the stage. I was focusing on our dialogue, not the subtext or context of words being said. The happy words made me feel I was enough, until they didn’t.

Until my mind refused to shield me from the truth.

I was addicted to everyone’s approval, except my own. I had bartered for it over the years. Every time I apologized for mistakes that were not mine. Whenever I took on the burden of people’s insecurities, let them project their fears onto me vocally.

I had glared at disrespect, yet I still let it erode me.

So I checked myself into rehab. I knew weaning myself off that stuff was going to drain me, and it did.

I had to be introduced to myself for the first time. Accept my flaws and learn how to forgive myself. I studied me like a love note.

And now I know the things I value, the boundaries I refuse to negotiate on, and the limiting beliefs I am slowly conquering with positive affirmation.

I’m building trust in myself again and growing a toolkit of nurturing self talk.

Journal with me:

1. In what spaces do I become the “eager puppy”?

2. What compliments shaped me positively? Which criticisms shaped me silently?

3. Where have I apologized for things that were never mine to carry?

4. What red flags did I ignore because I didn’t want to lose approval?

5. What does confrontation mean to me: rejection or clarity?

6. What are three non negotiable boundaries I am building?

7. If I were no longer addicted to approval, how would I live differently?

These prompts are part of a journal I’m building. It’s for the woman who stayed too long, gave too much, and is only now learning to study herself as a love note. If these words found you at the right time, subscribe to follow the process and get early access when it launches.

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I think I might be bitter

The acrid taste on my tongue says so

My lips have kissed

The bile of your words

And no matter what I take in

The taste never leaves

It settles on my palate

An ulcer festers

With every word I’m taking in

It tangles in my chest

Rooting itself

In a pain that never leaves

Rage simmers on the edge

Craving to spill over

And drown everything I hold dear

The ache consumes me

Donning a mask of anger

And turning me into a monster

Now the wronged one

Is the berserker

For poems and reflections on healing and self-recognition, subscribe below.

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Reflection:

Do you feel it sometimes? That anger, that resentment, the way it consumes you? It seems to chip away at the best parts of you with every taunt, every vile word thrown your way. All the situations beyond your control. It can feel justified. Sometimes it is.

But how do we keep it from consuming us? How do we grieve the harm without becoming the very people we resent?

Journaling Prompt:

Who are you beneath the pain?

beneath the anger and resentment

that tear you up and hold you down?

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I was never given the unscripted version of the handbook on healthy relationships and what they looked like. What I was gifted… was an edited version passed down from my mother and aunties. The few harsh truths that would ruin the fairy tale had been erased. Perhaps this was the reason I ignorantly ignored the glaring red flags in my marriage.

It was my very first relationship after enrolling at the university, a feat that made me feel highly accomplished and mature. I was no longer the sheltered girl who made my mother and aunties uncomfortable with questions about men and relationships.

I had evolved into a young woman, ready to explore and grab the answers through lived experience. Which I did and ended up turning that phase of my life into a cautionary tale.

A story of what went wrong, when you willfully had a relationship with a manipulative, controlling partner and decided to make excuses for each hurtful behavior because you mistook tolerance for submission.

I did not know better; how was I expected to do better? I hadn’t looked at the full handbook. I did not know the right qualities to look for in a life partner, and the gut-wrenching truth was I wore my ignorance like a badge of honor.

We all do, the cultured girls. The ones whose mothers, aunties, and grandmas proudly call home trained, Wife material in the making. You learnt how to cook and clean, how to fast and pray for your home, and how a submissive wife kept a long marriage. This part of the handbook was comfortable to pass down from generation to generation of well-intentioned relatives.

But when the fairy tale ended, you started noticing things that went against your values. The old handbook reared its head again. The guidelines, clear as day, be submissive. That was code for do not question, even when he strays or makes bad decisions that affect you both. When he lashes out, be silent. He does this to offer you guidance.

This handbook was there to ensure you had a long marriage; whether it was a happy and comfortable one was never high on the list of priorities. But how could I blame them? It was what our grandmothers, mothers, and aunties knew about marriage. It was how they were raised.

Groomed to base all your value and identity on your marital status. They passed down what they knew with good intentions and love.

The handbook never talked about boundaries, and what you should do when they are constantly being violated. It never disclosed the importance of self-respect in a marriage, and how crucial it was to have your own identity despite being in a relationship.

No, either that page had been ripped out, or it had not yet been written.

I wear the same discomfort my mother and the ones before her wore, every time my teenage daughter comes to me with questions about intimacy, relationship dynamics, and identity.

In those moments, I empathize with her. I get to experience a sliver of what she felt each time I brought up similar topics. The coarseness of this discomfort rubs against my skin. It lingers until I remind myself that if my daughter does not know better, she cannot do better.

So, I tear it off, get my pen, and add to the handbook. But this time I am adding all the things I’m learning along the way, topics once considered taboo, like a person who genuinely loves you will respect your values and boundaries. You have to know, love, and accept yourself first before you can show others how you should be treated.

If we fail to learn this, we will end up choosing the wrong partners, staying too long in toxic relationships, doing penance for someone at the cost of our peace, health, and deliberately turning a blind eye to things that break us.

Memorizing the whole handbook is key to knowing which connections are worth fighting for and which ones are bridges waiting to be burnt.

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Lameck, do you love me?

I know you do, you said you did.

You acted like it the last time we met,

when pain was drenching your weeping eyes

the day I said goodbye and journeyed to the other side.

It’s cold down here, Lameck.

I feel it in my ashy bones,

right down to my wandering soul.

I keep searching for the sun,

the soothing light that warmed my heart

on days you turned my way.

Chilled feet keep wandering, hovering,

gliding through looming walls to empty rooms,

hoping in hopeless places.

Yearning, looking for the light…

Where are you, Lameck?

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Words that linger, heal, and illuminate delivered to you.

Reflection

Even in this drifting, searching place, there is a lesson in noticing. Allowing yourself to feel, to wander, and to witness the echoes that linger.

Healing is not always about answers; sometimes it begins with giving your soul the space to speak and be heard.

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Come, step inside and listen.

If houses could talk

the one up the street, would weave a tale so tall

of hidden joy in new beginnings

and as I gained its confidence

it would prattle on about the young family moving in a week early

it would then prance about until I acknowledged

the gleaming coat of paint on its front wall

The house right next to the sidewalk

would grumble about its old brittle bones

about the creaks and groans the stairs made

as the old couple trudged on inside

and With a soft sigh

it would reminisce of all the things it had witnessed

a museum of lived memories

The house at the end of the street

would ask for a box of tissues and a little concealer

to cover the tear tracks marring its wall.

it would need an alibi

after shooting the insomnia that kept hurling sleep out the broken window

and as the footfalls began their nightly journey

searching for ghosts of contentment in empty rooms

the house at the end of the street

would ache for settled silence

REFLECT WITH ME

➤Have you ever taken a moment to truly notice the energy in your space?

➤If your house could speak to you as a silent companion who’s watched you have your meals, how you make choices, who has witnessed your love and your tears, what would it whisper?

➤If you could have a heart to heart with your home, what truths might it share?

➤Would it reflect how your life is aligned with your values, or invite you to consider where you might need more harmony?

➤Our homes hold more than walls, they hold pieces of us. What stories do they want you to hear?

I’d love to hear from you:

Leave a comment

JOURNALING PROMPT

➤If your home could open up to you, what would it say to you right now?

Share your thoughts or stories in the comments. Let’s explore these hidden voices together.

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Years ago, I would have defined self love as a girl’s day out, trying out new outfits, filling up on ice cream, and focusing on the fun stuff. Years later, with stories I’ve lived under my belt my tune has changed.

Self love, is accepting who you are, who you’ve been, and who you're becoming flaws and all. It’s choosing to root for yourself even when it’s hard.

Self love is not always pretty and loud like the reels and hashtags on social media. Sometimes it’s waking up to the beat of your mistakes, and deliberately turning away from the dejection by focusing on doing better.

When you practice self-love, you are accepting to tangle with self-awareness and do the deep work of getting to know who you are, studying your many identities through the lens of who you are becoming, and the values you hold close to your heart.

You get to ask yourself the hard questions your mind shies away from like,

• Who are you as a person, are you empathetic?

• Do you think of how your actions impact yourself and others?

• What are your triggers?

• What are the things that are making you so uncomfortable you want to crawl out of your skin?

• Were you hurt so bad that you swept it under your rug and called it bad memories instead of trauma?

• Are you willing to love yourself enough to finally work on healing?

Self love is hard painful work most times, it’s being your own cheerleader a confidence booster, even when all the odds are against you. It’s showing people how they should treat you by respecting yourself and choosing you before anyone stands with you.

Loving yourself body and soul by taking care of you. It’s in the mirror on days when you forgive yourself before anyone else does. Self love is accepting that you have flaws yet choosing to love your imperfections.

It’s working on strengthening your weaknesses and becoming comfortable with who you are. Self love is not always glamorous, sometimes it’s forgiveness, discipline, and self belief, but it’s the most sacred commitment you'll ever make.

To love yourself as you are and as you're becoming.

Thank you for reading and visiting my little corner of Substack. Please share it with someone who might need it, and consider subscribing for more reflections like this.
I'm grateful to have you here.

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You’re feeling lost and rudderless.
you submitted all your control to this person
they became the deciding factor in all your life decisions.
Even the mundane food shopping, how you wore your hair
was captained by them.

Over time it grew.
Morphed into their love language
them handling everything.

Now you’re frozen.
Suddenly, all these responsibilities
big and small
all the decisions and choices
are back in your hands.

And as humans, our default
is to find what feels comfortable
and settle in it.

So you find yourself
wanting to go back.
Let them handle it again.

In moments like this
it becomes hard to focus on you.
But you have to remember
it’s going to get uncomfortable
before it gets better.

You have to give it your full attention,
your whole intention
to find yourself again.

To reconnect
with the part of you
that believed in your capabilities
before you met them.

So, how do you start?
By finally taking time
to answer the questions
that have been quietly waiting for you

What does focusing on you
and what you can control
look like?

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Many times, we struggle to find our way back to ourselves after being led to believe we’re incapable. It’s never easy but it’s not impossible either. You can find yourself again.

If this resonated with you, I’m truly glad I could reach out to you and I hope it lifted your spirit.

If you’d like more reflections like this, feel free to subscribe, leave a comment, or share this with someone who might need it. Your presence here means a lot

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and no matter what you do, how much you give

you are not enough. They never see you as enough.

When you refuse to accept the truth,

that every compromise you're making

diminishes your worth in your own eyes.

You keep on living in agony

knowing you have always deserved better.

But now you're questioning yourself,

asking if it's worth it anymore.

The poison packaged as well-intentioned words

is flowing into your system.

Words uttered over the years to your soul

reaffirming that ,

you were never enough.

Nothing you ever did was right.

It may have taken years,

but you have come to realize

your safe space was never there.

It was an illusion you clung to with all your might.

So you did the work,

• Catered to their whims

• Fed into their demands

• Nurtured their egos

As they leeched your spirit and drive.

Fed you the Cool-Aid that got you addicted to the belief,

that you're nothing without them.

You won’t function without them.

Was that ever your grounding place?

You kept on searching for peace, acceptance, love

in the arms of the one who kept stripping you

of all your ideals, your values, comforts, and identity.

And no matter how much you were willing to give of yourself

they kept on taking, never replenishing

with the love and respect you were owed.

Now you're coming to the truth.

It’s taken a journey of hurt, honesty, reflection, and awareness

to puzzle it out.

Your safe space was never with them or anybody else.

It was never in the distractions you clung to

in a bid to avoid the discomfort of healing.

It is and has always been with you.

In accepting who you are and acknowledging that,

You are enough.

Your safe space is created

whenever you block out the background noise of negativity

and refuse to feed the self-hate.

You create it when you focus on yourself and

get to know the complex, beautiful, and flawed creature you are.

It is a state of being that is hard to come by,

and never static enough for you to locate.

It’s ever shifting within you.

Some days, you will be triggered by the words they say

and it may be hard to hold onto your peace.

On others, you will let the truth shield you.

Their words, though intended to hurt,

are coming from places of anger, pain, envy, or even self-loathing.

They are angry with the world, so how dare you be happy?

Your safe space is worth fighting for.

Worth claiming.

It’s never going to exist in the arms of others

It will always be there within you.

And you will find it

when you accept

that you truly deserve it.

Thank you for taking the time to read what I’ve been writing. I pray that the poems and reflections I share here speak to your heart and impact your life in meaningful ways. Some of these pieces come from my own lived experiences, others from the lives I observe around me, moments of struggle, healing, and quiet transformation that I believe we can all learn from.

Journaling prompt

• Where in my life have I mistaken being tolerated for being loved?
  Reflect on spaces or relationships where you shrunk yourself to feel safe. What did you trade for that false sense of security?

• What would it look like to build a safe space within myself today?
  Describe the thoughts, boundaries, practices, and truths that would help you feel at home inside your own soul.

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I knew a girl a long time ago

she was vibrant

she was smart

many dreams she had to live

She loved to laugh,

to soak up life

and be a light in people’s nights

Years later she knocks at my door

but I don’t see her in those eyes anymore

She tangled with fear

slow danced with doubt

and now there is nothing

but a clammed up shell

shielding her inquisitive mind

I saw this girl

before the taunts and jeers

before the critics came

hiding under the guise of love

before the taking _ always taking, never giving

draining till all that was left

Was a gaping abyss in her heart

I see this girl

she is stirring

waking to the emancipation of her mind

reaching out for her truth _ her will is hers alone

she is not wistful anymore

waiting on others to define who she becomes

for she knows who she has always been

enough

Going through hard things in life should not define us.

I first wrote this poem three years ago, when I realized I was that girl — and I needed to remind myself that I was enough, just as I was.

You don’t need anyone else to define who you are.
So as you read through this poem, I invite you to pause, reflect, and join me in exploring the journaling prompt below.

JOURNALING PROMPT:

COULD THIS GIRL BE YOU?

What part of your past is still holding you back?
What would it take to begin reclaiming your true self?

I'm Kathy, and this poem was part of my healing.
If it resonated with you, I’d love to hear what came up as you reflected on the journaling prompt.

You can explore more of my poetry, reflections, and creative prompts by subscribing here or reading my recent posts.

is not yet done

the inciting incidents in your life

may have made you believe

the lie

but you are just getting started

whether the threads of your life

are frayed

golden or knotted

gather them

weave your patterns

make a tapestry of who you're becoming

live in your choices

own them all

the mistakes

lessons

those aha moments

they make you who you are

and through this whole journey

you will choose

who you become

Kathy Legesi

Image from Pixabay

Thank you so much for stopping by and reading what I have written. I hope it speaks to your innermost self and resonates with you. Subscribe for more poetry, journaling prompts, and reflective essays.

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Protecting my time for self-care

Every weekday at 6:00 a.m., the school van arrives to take my kids to school, giving me this little pocket of time to check in with myself, a small feat I achieve by Journaling. I sit in my chair, making a choice to shut the world out for a moment and focus on me instead. Slamming the door on the chores calling out to me, the business I have to work on because I know they will be right where I left them fifteen minutes later.

On the page, I pour out my goals, fears, aspirations, and heart. Journaling has brought clarity and calmness to my life, It keeps refining me to create the best version of myself for me and those in my circle. I have learned to guard this act of self-care jealously.

It’s now a boundary people do not cross: my time with my journal.

What are boundaries

Boundaries are limits you can set to define what you are comfortable with or not. These can be,

Emotional Boundaries

Where you protect your feelings and mental energy like,

1. Saying no to topics that make you uncomfortable.

2. Limiting how much emotional labor you give to others.(walking away)

Physical Boundaries

These relate to your personal space, physical touch, and privacy.

1. Some people prefer not to be hugged by acquaintances.

2. Asking someone to knock before entering your room. (My kids are still learning this one)

Time Boundaries

Defining how you spend your time and ensuring it aligns with your priorities.

1. Not answering work emails after hours.

2. Allocating time for self-care or rest.

Mental Boundaries

Your thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

1. Disagreeing without feeling pressured to change your views.

2. Refusing to engage in debates that drain you.

I struggled with setting mental boundaries for a long time, leaving me feeling drained and silenced because people, especially loved ones, would constantly talk over me."

At first, I believed that if I engaged and spoke louder, I would finally be heard. But it was turning me into someone I didn’t want to be. Then, I discovered the power of walking away from situations and arguments that drained me instead of building me up.

It wasn’t about cowering or letting others walk all over me, it was about freeing myself. I distanced myself from the toxicity and accepted that I couldn’t change them, but I could control how I reacted. So, I learned to walk away."

Material Boundaries

Concerning your possessions and resources, this could be,

1. Setting rules about lending money or items. Many people struggle with this one relating to ‘black tax’.

   Something that happens a lot in Africa is that certain family members may sometimes feel like they are entitled to ask you for financial assistance, whether it is to your detriment or not.

2. Expecting your belongings to be returned in good condition.

Relational Boundaries

1. Regulating how others treat you in relationships. Not tolerating disrespectful behavior, like infidelity and dishonesty.

2. Communicating when you need space in a friendship.

Why Are Boundaries Important?

1. They protect emotional health: They help you avoid burnout, resentment, and feeling overwhelmed.

2. Boundaries promote self-respect. Setting boundaries encourages others to treat you as you wish. They may find you a bit extra at the start, but when you stick to your values, people have no choice but to take you as you are or give you a wide berth.

3. They support healthy relationships by creating mutual respect and understanding.

4. They help to clarify Expectations, which reduces misunderstandings and conflicts.

How to Set Boundaries

Identify Your Limits: Reflect on what makes you uncomfortable or stressed. You can do this by journaling about it, making it a writing prompt or,

Try some free writing.

How to free write,

• Get a paper and pen,

• Set the timer for five minutes

• Turn off your phone and switch off from other distractions

• Write about what makes you uncomfortable or stressed out

• Be brutally honest with yourself self

• Try not to self-edit your words in your mind

Communicate clearly: Use “I” statements to express your needs without blaming others. You could say, “I need some alone time to recharge” instead of “You are always in my space; don’t you have things to do?”

Be Consistent: Enforce your boundaries consistently to show they matter.

Deal with Pushback: Stand firm, even if others don’t like your boundaries at first. There will always be people who are not okay with your boundaries, but remember these are there to keep you grounded and at peace.

Boundaries are not walls to shut others out, they are bridges that foster healthy connections while preserving your sense of self. This is especially true in relational, emotional, or personal situations.

I’d love for you to use this as a writing prompt to reflect on your boundaries, whether in your journal or the comment section.

I’ve shared my thoughts at the beginning, and I hope they inspire you to explore yours. Maybe you’re in the process of setting boundaries in certain areas of your life, or perhaps you’re reflecting on some you have already established. Either way, I hope this piece resonates with you

Writing prompt

“What boundaries have you learnt to set, and how do they protect your peace?”

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